Thankfully, Harvey didn't hit our home
I won't lie to you, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Made-Mad was sitting on pins and needles last week as she stood on the ground and looked up at me. First, and probably the largest of her fears, was seeing me on the roof. To say the least, my "construction skills" are elementary level and leave plenty to be desired. I'm sure with every swing of the hammer she was already making plans to dial 9-1-1 and tell them, "My (you fill in the colorful expletive here) fell off the roof while trying to repair the roof before Hurricane Harvey arrived!"
Secondly, SWMNBMM was probably keeping an eye on the clouds that swirled about our mini-kingdom in the tiny burg of Gorman. Even though our home is quite far from the Gulf Coast, she was rightly worried that some rogue storm from the hurricane would venture into the area and dump rain into her castle. You have no idea how bossy and impatient a queen can be if someone tries to put water in her castle!
I'm pretty sure as I stood on the edge of the roof and asked her to toss up a few more nails, she was contemplating what delay my falling would have on the roofing project.
"You better be careful," she said.
Having been married for almost three decades, I have been able to decipher part of SWMNBMM's "woman code." So, for any newlyweds out there, whenever your wife tells you to be careful it actually means ... "if you get hurt and slow down progress on this project you had better be prepared to meet God!"
Understandably, I took a step back from the edge.
About the trip to the Lone Star State: When I boarded the plane in Anchorage, I knew Harvey was bearing down on the Texas coastline. And, having lived through Hurricane Alicia in the 1980s, I knew Ol' Harvey could have wide-ranging effects.
As a young man living in Pasadena when Alicia roared through, I swore I would never intentionally go toward a hurricane again. However, when SWMNBMM heard rain could reach as far inland as our abode, she felt it was important for me to come fix her roof. In no uncertain terms, I went ... mainly because I am far more frightened of Hurricane SWMNBMM than I am of Mother Nature.
Although my heart goes out to the millions of my homies in Houston (I was born in Pasadena back when the moon was the size of a marble), I am happy to say that I repaired the roof without falling off. In fact, once I get out of the doctor's office from smashing my thumb 20,000 times with the hammer, I think we may celebrate — that no rain fell on our house.
And, yes, being born in Pasadena in 1965 does make me a lot like the old Beach Boys' song ... I am the little old lad from Pasadena.
Now that the roof is fixed, SWMNBMM is happy with me. I'm pretty sure everyone in Eastland County is going to come around to record this development on their phones. SWMNBMM is rarely happy with my carpentry skills.
"Man, I did a great job," I said after driving the final nail into the roof. "What would you have done if I had fallen off?"
"I'd have called 9-1-1 and told them you fell off ... and told Darrell (the ambulance driver) to not speed getting here because you still needed to finish."
I laughed out loud. Sometimes she can be so funny. At lest, I hope she was kidding. She never cracked a smile!
This is our family's story, and I'm making light of it. But many, many families were not so fortunate. SWMNBMM and I are remembering them in our prayers and want to send our best wishes to everyone on the Gulf Coast.
Tommy Wells is the editor of the Homer Tribune. Everything in this column is true, except for the parts that have been fabricated, exaggerated or are just plain lies.